Heaven is depressing
I recently watched a movie about the end of the world and it got me thinking. First of all, fuck that movie for making me think. Secondly, I know heaven is supposed to be the big goal when you die or the apocalypse hits or whatever, but I don’t think getting there is the great outcome it’s made out to be. Just for the record, I am going with the heaven presented in every cartoon and comedy - you stay you, maybe become an angel, and heaven is just pure awesome.
Let’s break this down. Heaven is good because it’s… ummm, good? There’s really no other word. It’s just all awesome all the time. When I die, I want there to be fountains of Mountain Dew, reruns of The Raccoons and bitches everywhere. And I don’t mean women, I mean like actual bitches. I want Ms. Lemieux from grade 3 there so I can punch her. For eternity. It sounds awful, but that’s the fun of heaven. It’s everything that is awesome to you. At least it should be. If I have to play by someone else’s rules and do what’s awesome to them, that would suck. What if God was a nevernude? What if the angels hated Gordon Ramsey shows? I would go out of my mind! Let’s assume heaven is a free-for-all once you’re in because otherwise everyone would opt for hell where there’s dirty glasses and dirtier sex.
Remember kids, you don’t want this.
The other cool thing about heaven is you get to do stuff. You might get to watch over your family, or maybe even use the whole world as your own giant soap opera. It would be fun to watch all the drama and joy unfolding in realtime. Hell (oops!), you might even be able to influence stuff around you or take on a low responsibility clerical role in the universe. There is stuff to be done!
Sounds awesome, right? Sure, but here’s the problem with going to/being in heaven at the end of the world: it’s pointless. Let’s say you have gained a spot in the clouds and everything bottom-side is kaput. There’s nothing to watch, nothing to intervene in, nothing to manage. Now all of reality is heaven. Even evil might be wiped out because, really, evil only mattered in so far that it affected humans. If demons are evil to demons, no one cares.
So what do you do for eternity? Hang out and punch Ms. Lemieux’s stupid face? Sure, but how long until that gets old? A day? A week maybe? The thing is, according to most of these accounts, you’re still kind of you when you get to the golden gates. But we were human which means we get bored of consistency, even if it’s consistent goodness, pretty quick. We need adversity and without the giant mixer that is Earth, we would be bereft of that. Really, the only thing heaven does not have, by definition, is hardship and suffering. Within a year, every human in heaven after the end of the world would fall into an absolute existential crises of which there is no return.
And at the end of days, heaven shall overflow with emo kids and bad poetry
And then what, you ask. It’s not like you can commit suicide if you’re dead. True, but you can revolt. It happened once (according to the foremost authority on God, Milton) and it kind of makes you wonder that it didn’t happen earlier. Pretty soon, heaven would be covered in graffiti and people would be holding rallies demanding that a new Earth be created. It would be anarchy and we, at least, would be a twisted kind of happier.
All this blathering to say this: the utility of heaven (or hell) depends on the existence of a conflicted and, consequently, interesting Earth. Once all that ends, so does the purpose of heaven. The kicker is, this means the more religiously you hold to biblical accounts for things, actually the MORE meaningless existence becomes, because it all ends up in a big fluffy mass of nothing. Le sad.